I really thought my emotions got better these past couple of days.
Turned out it has not gotten better, but slowly turned into a new kind of feeling.
I call it “positive depression“
” The opposite of depression is not happiness, it’s vitality”.
It’s like a new kind of numbness when someone shows you how much of an animal they are, right in front of your presence, and you felt nothing. No anger, no hatred, no contempt.
It was just a completely blank void in my brain. Their voice gets muffled and distorted. I don’t know if I’m dreaming or not. I started to feel a little static in my feet as if I wanted to run and stay put at the same time. I was happy and sad, at the same time. I was delighted and annoyed at the same time. I felt bipolar and compassionate in one same moment. That’s why it’s positive depression.
It’s so slow and so fast at the same nano second.
After an eventful day at work, I came home, walked into my mom’s presence, the same kind of numbness. Although I love her to the end of the world, I feel nothing at that moment. She always does that thing she does; never answer my question even though she heard it the first time, and yelled at me for asking too many times.
I released a subtle and long sigh.
It came back, that feeling. In the shower.
My phone is fucked up. I couldn’t listen to my favorite podcast during my only alone time, in the shower. There was not anger, no nothing.
I started to sing, to myself, in the shower, after 10095398539 years. I realized I stop doing that for so long that it felt so odd to sing again. I tried to cheer myself up like I used to. Trying to do the things that make me happy. I tried to sing.
I felt like singing and crying at the same time.
It was so strong that I forgot my hair is already cracking up from blow drying. I was too busy, thinking about how long should I blow dry my hair.
Anyways, from that numbness I realized many things.
We’re all fragments of our childhood’s imagination. This life you’re living now, it’s granted not for a reason but rather from a choice you made. There is no wrong decision; there’s only the ones that we solely chose to do that lead us our existences right at this moment.
Then why do we treat each other like there is no sense of self respect nor any sign of mutual compassion?
We only live so many years in life that compare to the birth of the universe, it’s nothing. Literally nothing.
I am completely, solely, terrified of human’s capacity of hurting each other.
Oh the things they do to protect their precious little egos are beyond any morals taught. Morals are complete shit when it comes to pettiness.
I know you lied to me. I know you all are lying to yourselves so well to the point when you started to believe that lie. Damn it the brain’s capacity is too well performed to release such poignant truth.
Some lie to themselves everyday, to perform better, to live better, to get there faster.
Some lie to themselves everyday, to boaster that self-centered insides, to blind people’s eyes, to hug that egos, to show complete strangers how much better you’re doing than them.
Then we all die.
I need a joint.
11:57 pm, what a great day.